I have always given my heart away freely to whomever has asked for it. I’ve even given it away to people who haven’t. Not always in that “love” sense - I’ll give my heart to friends and family. I’ll even give my heart to strangers if they really want it. I’m willing to share my thoughts, fears, dreams, hopes, and everything that can make you happy, sad, mad, or crazy. In a way, it’s kind of a curse. I’ve got an open-book syndrome that allows people to know way too many things about me in a too-short amount of time. It’s my way of getting to know and forming connections with people. Oddly enough, I think people seem to like it. I guess when you’re real about yourself with other people, they’ll be real with you.
Sometimes though, being emotionally open can really suck. Throw being an idealist into the mix and it really gets frustrating. When you’re as open as I am, you can’t help but hope people will reciprocate whatever you’re giving… And by “hope”, I really mean expect. But that is how it works, right? You get what you give? You share & I share? What goes around comes around? Not always.
I went through this phase in November where I was constantly disappointed by so many of the people and things that were going on around me. It seemed like no one gave a shit about me. And, quite frankly, it could have been true. Who would give a shit about another person when everyone else is stressing out about 1. (where I was) being in France 2. school or 3. life? Me, being idealistic and not understanding why so many things just sucked, turned to my therapist for an explanation.
“Dani,” she told me, “you’ve really got to lower your expectations of people.” As an idealist, this sort of made me feel offended for the entire human population. I was supposed to lower my expectations of all people? That seemed kind of mean. Then she explained why. Some people just aren’t on the same level. One person could be here, and another there… Someone could be growing and focusing only on themselves, others could be grabbing everyone they can to help, drag down, love, whatever. The main point is: people’s capabilities are limited, and not everyone can be on the same level as you might be. So then, I asked… How can I stop feeling like shit all the time? It seems like no one cares about me, I always feel let down. The answer was to stop expecting things. Stop assuming that people are going to do this, feel that, be here, or go there. Expect the bare minimum, then you can’t be disappointed.
Not to sound annoying or anything, but I see the glass half full. It’s kind of ironic that I’m an optimist because I’m also pretty cynical. I fail to see a lot of good in humanity, yet I expect great things from it. Doesn’t make much sense, but we’re not discussing my logic today. Anyway, because I’m pretty optimistic, I tend to expect the best. Always expecting the best and then suddenly having to expect the bare minimum is a real wake up call. It’s a habit that you have to get into, and if you don’t practice it, you revert into being an optimist and expecting really great things all the time. Kind of screwed up, isn’t it?
So here I am. I’m back to how I was feeling in November. I give what I can, and I get what I get. I’m brought back to preschool when I’d get a handful of goldfish, would want more, and would get taunted by this annoying girl who used to say “you get what you get and you don’t throw a fit.” I always wanted to knock her goldfish out of her hands, but she was right. What can I do? Be upset because people are on their own levels? Be frustrated because not everyone can reciprocate exactly what I give? I can’t put any of this on one person, thing, or event. I'm not trying to discriminate someone or something specific, nor am I trying to offend and say that I'm disappointed in YOU... I feel a little weird that I have to put a disclaimer on my own blog. It just seems to be a part of life, and I can’t be the only one who feels this way. In fact, I know I’m not. Situations vary, I guess, and so do people.
In the meantime : Needing/Getting by OK Go http://youtu.be/MejbOFk7H6c
Punkin, you always have great insight. Life throws us in many situations and you have to look for the good in each one or you will go crazy. Trust me!!! We can still be happy even when things seem hopeless or shitty. You are amazing. I love you! Mom
Posted by: Mom | Thursday, July 24, 2014 at 10:17 PM