I can't say that I've ever been the life of the party, or that girl who knows everyone, or even the best person to hit up a conversation with. I'm kind of an introvert. And when I say kind of, I mean a real staying-at-home-alone-in-quiet-dont-talk-to-me-you-give-me-anxiety kind of way.
So I went to France - if you didn't know that already - and found this confidence I'd never had before. I could talk to people, I could mingle, I could start conversations. I felt in control of my social life and the social situation. I knew how to handle anything that came at me, and make a good time out of it. I didn't feel as introvert-y. In fact, I started internally classifying myself as a temporary extrovert with introvert-like qualities. It was something I thought would never ever happen in my life. But it did.
So I've been home for about 2 1/2 weeks. I've reintregrated myself back into the "social scene". I've made many appearances, jaded by it all and longing for my life back in the motherland - France. I still had my confidence a week ago... Hell, maybe even a few hours ago, but it seems to have slipped away within the past few hours.
I went to a party... I guess I didn't know many people. I knew faces but not names. I had met most people in passing, or not at all. It was that kind of group, aside from two people I really knew. I felt invivisible, awkward, and introverted as hell for the first time in 6 months. It was like I was a new person. Quiet, invisible, wallflowery, awkward, standing-there-while-you-talk-and-not-being-talked-to Dani. It was a mystery I couldn't understand as I stared at all the people laughing around me. Why wasn't I having fun? Why was I feeling so out of place?
I ended up feeling sort of gross after a drink... And I have something early tomorrow morning, so I called an Uber and ran out of the house. As fun as it all seemed, and I knew for a fact it was fun, I had to leave and go be where I couldn't be a black sheep. My room... With my journal and my TV and my laptop.
All in all, the party was fun. Had I not been feeling so out of place, I would have had an amazing time. Instead, my confidence has been lost. I'm not quite sure where it went or what happened to it. Maybe the situation of the evening scared it away, or maybe I've been holding my head so high for the past two weeks that I can't make myself feel extroverted anymore... Either way, I hope my confidence isn't gone forever. I really enjoyed being a pretend extrovert.
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