My life is a constant battle between two extremes. Happiness and sadness. Extreme content, and deep melancholy. Always fighting, switching off and taking their victories at arbitrary moments.
I don't like to call myself depressed. There was a time, and I hate to admit it, where I was almost proud to be depressed, and would tell anyone if it somehow weasled its way into a conversation. It was a sickening thing to be proud of. A weird chemical imbalance that caused me to act almost inhuman. To be so overwhelmed by deep sadness that I did not know what to do with myself. To almost feel dead. Almost. I don't like to call myself depressed. Depression isn't a problem that people create if something bad happens to them, it's something that just happens. A bad flip in the chemicals that cause emotions, hormones, and all the things that it means to be human.
Though time has passed and I've taken measures to improve my stupid imbalance, I can't help but realize that it's still with me. Happiness is so fleeting at times that I live in fear of the next time my mood and emotions take a turn for the worst. I am such a fluctuating mess, that I often cannot even tell when or where I switch from an elated, giggling girl to a somber, melancholy thing. It's a frustrating reality I must accept.
I constantly ask myself how I wish to approach my ever changing moods. How I wish to quell the battle taking place between serotonin, dopamine, acetylcholine, epinephrine, norepinephrine, and GABA. I suppose it's a matter of thought and optimism. Despite the angry war that takes place behind my pool of conciousness, I have my optimistic self. Positive thoughts can make a world of a difference: "You may feel sad in a little while Dani, but enjoy the happiness while you can." "You may feel very sad right now, Dani, but you will be happy in just a little while."
It's almost frustrating having to tell myself these things and walk myself through life this way. But I've been doing it since the Dark Ages - the deepest, darkest time of my 17 years, if one can have a dark ages so young. I have to keep the optimism to fight through the battle. It's almost like a little bubble: picture a glowing bubble of good things hovering through a massive battle field. Then picture it sitting peacefully when one side wins, and then moving on through again once another begins. Perfect. You now see the inside of my brain.
I can only imagine the push and pull going on in your mind. You have done a brilliant job of managing through all of the changes throughout your 17 years. I dont expect you to be upbeat and positive all the time, especially through all of your recent adjustments going to France. I am comforted to know that you are self aware, you understand your strengths and weaknesses and you are always working on (& stretching) yourself.
And by the way, much of what you are experiencing is called being human. Keep writing and sharing! It must be healing!
I LOVE YOU,
Posted by: Mom | Wednesday, October 09, 2013 at 08:19 AM